Hi there...long time NO CHAT! Well those of you who know me well no the HELL I have been through in that last 10months...so for now I don't want to elaborate. It feels good to get back to this...putting my thoughts down...like my BFF Molly says...its therapeutic. Speaking of therapeutic....I miss running and all the crazy intense exercise I used to do daily....me and the road haven't had a true go at it in awhile...and i miss my solos runs...and my running and bootcamp buddies ( you know who you are).This Chelsea is one you have never met....lacking self confidence, fat, unhealthy, negative...glass is half empty Chelsea......i don't like her....in fact i despise her. ( yes I realize I am talking in different person- if I wanted a editor I would ask)

 Whats new:
Xavi is 20months and is walking/running like a true high energy boy. He isn't speaking alot, and we are struggling with communication...but we are working on that....he also has some physical issues with his ambulation...physical therapy will be addressing that soon as well.
Marissa started 2nd grade and she loves it...she is my kids...loves school...loves learning.

We finally sold the house and downsized to an apartment...which has been an adjustment for ALL.

I started a new job, I ma health educator and work with the medicare population. i do enjoy it, but my soul is not quite satisfied with it. It is great experience and I really enjoy closing all those care gaps...I just miss the in person part of it...telephonic can be great..but I wish I could be right there in the room with them. Maybe i will take this role to the acute setting one day.....discharge planning...it interest me. Will have to finish my RN first.

Marco has been daddy day care, taking on all things Xavi and home related since May...i was surprised that he has done so well. Maybe most wife's would give credit to them, and embellish their ideas about their husbands being stay at home daddy's and taking care of all things home/kid related...not me. I don't sugar coat anything...It blows my mind that he has survived...guess it purely the fact he doesn't want to fail me....and less that he is "good" at it. It took about 1 month before he said to me " i cant believe you did all of this and worked full time".  I said...." it is about time your realize" ...oh what your expecting me to praise him for praising me...bullshit...that's not who i am ....and after all our marriage has been through...he didn't expect me to praise him! He just thanked me again for being the strongest woman he has ever know. I am glad we are 8 years into our marriage and he is starting to see how lucky he is....he says " wouldn't be where i am now without you and all you have done"...i agreed.
 We are 8 years married and 11 years together.....and just figuring alot out. Marriage is not simple, not one person is perfect and you are sharing lives, not uniting them. Continue to be yourself, don't lose your soul, your passion....don't compromise yourself for the other....or else you are doomed as a couple, family and individually.

that's a catch up....

Anxiety:
Who doesn't admit they have anxiety daily...i mean being a mom, worrying about all things related to the "mom role", trying to maintain a marriage, and least but should be first...not loosing yourself.

currently my employer has cut jobs and lost business so my role is being debated...whether or not it will be absorbed or endorsed....SUCKS. Makes me want to really really move forward with my RN. If i had that done...them I could have more options.
 We are still in debates on where/when we will move south...it is TULSA vs Austin. I will save tat debate for my next blog!
So all we really know is YES we want to move,we need a fresh start and frankly the weather in the south so beckons us....I am not a cold, wet person...so falls/winter and part of spring in Indiana sucks for me...yuck! Give me 90plus hot/humid over cold/wet. We need to be close to familia...so the move is going to happen.

until we meet again...adios.

Sleep...

Hello! Well after 2 sleeping pills ( thank you Kroger brand Tylenol pm) i finally got caught up on sleep! This momma was T-I-R-E-D! Since the arrival of grandma ( YIPPEE) I have been able to pick up some shifts at work, they were day and night shifts. So like the crazy woman I am I worked 12hr night on Wed, 12hr day on Friday, 12hr night on Sat, 4hr shift Sunday afternoon ( after 3 hrs of sleep) and then 4 hrs of night shift on Monday. I was one pooped parent! After 3 unsuccessful tries at NAP time on Tuesday, I gave in and had the hubby swing by the store for some sleeping aid! Took the pills at 730, but couldn't fall asleep till 930...but I did sleep well. I feel rested this morning!

It really sucks to try and parent on little to no sleep. I become grouchy, snappish and LAZY! At least Rissa got her homework done, bath and off to bed on time...that was a success. Baby Xav got to bed too...so momma slept all night.

I used to say I can "function" on little sleep...well that was when I used to get 6hrs of sleep per night....that was at least a schedule. With working day and night shift...there is no schedule of sleep.

So what I learned....I shall only pick up night followed by day shifts when absolutely necessary! Also I appreciate the times when I was sleeping 6hrs per night...routinely. Lat but not least I am thankful to have grandma here to HELP and my hubby who adjusts to my moods and my laziness. THANKS!!!

MOMS we do NEED our sleep...get it before lack of sleep gets you!

where should we be by now...and what is stopping us?

Having a day where I am thinking about "where we should be by now"......Marco and I have been trapped in this house thing for 5 years now...and really we have nothing to show for it....but a depreciated 1983 home which needs a new furnace and AC.

This house we have lived in for the last 5 years is not our home. We find home with each other and our kids, doing the things we can and loving each other. We cant wait to get out from under this house which is causing us so much money issues and preventing us from "doing the things we love" with our kids and family.

We are downsizing to a apartment. We are actually thrilled to be doing  because it will drastically reduce our monthly bills and we will finally be able to pay off debt!!!!!

Who would of thought we would be so happy to pay off debt....right?! It is a cleansing thing....kinda like the feeling my sis and I get after a "major cleaning and de-cluttering spree" ....RELIEF!!!!!

So how are we getting away from this house.....we have to SHORT SELL it....which means that our mortgage company agreed to a sale price that we HOPE to get for the house. The sale price would be LESS than what we owe to the mortgage company but with the economy and all...the mortgage company will get more from a short sale than from a foreclosure....so they are disgruntle...but agreeable to it.

So since when is buying a home "really" the American dream anyways....according to the stock market....."being rich on credit and living above their means" is the American dream....hahahahahha! I don't want any part of that dream!

Well I have never been the type of person that society can force into a box, so there is no motivator here to have "the American dream". We just want a simple house, with the means to visit our family/ friends in Mexico and  across the country. We just want to be able to take our kids to the ZOO, and other fun things like that. Because of our debt and this house we can not afford to take our kids to anything but the local FREE park. The parks here are awesome...but sometimes you just want something else. ( in case you don't think I realize....I do realize I am using ALOT of wants here)  I know we are happy to have what we need...but since when is not acceptable in this "American dream" that we could WANT for somethings.....Not too much to ask I think....!


So our plan......move into an apartment in October, pay down debt, I NEED to finish my RN degree, and in 1-2 years we will be moved SOUTH closer to both sides of our families and GREAT friends.

So I am not ever sure "where we should be by now" but I am for sure that we do know where we are going, and what we need to do in order to get there.....hopeful that it will take less time than it has....

rissa rissa becomes a 1st grader

so last year taking rissa rissa to K was a little emotional...i did tear up, but I was so proud. My daughter loves school and everything about learning (apple falls close to the tree )!!!

This year was easier, no tears, just big smiles and motivation!

Rissa Rissa got up early, on her own, got dressed, made her bed, cleaned her room and chilled in her room with her stuffed animals until mommy woke up. Yes she is my daughter....not many 6 year olds have done that many tasks before going to school.....all on their own motivation! It is such a proud moment when I see her doing responsible things all on her own....this child of mine is SELF motivated already and will be a GOAL setter just like mom....!

1st grade wont be an adjustment because she went to all day kindergarten and loves to learn. we read many books over the summer....i should say SHE read many books to me!

so proud of her!!!

moms work is never done...we adapt!

...even when mom is sick, she continues to be "mom"...at least this one does. I don't know if it is the inner "care giver" in me or just a mothers instinct...but when your kiddos are sick and you are sick....do you still feel the calling to "take care' of them?
I do and my good friends that are moms tell me they do too.

 Despite my 101 degree fever I got up every 3-4(more like 2-3) hours to check on my kiddos. Marissa had a temp over 102 all night, she was up to 103.1 at one point. Little Xavi hung around 99.9/ 100.2. I think Xavi was more from his "teething" BUT I still monitored it since sissy had a high one.

and daddy...well he slept all night! I used to get pissed off about daddy sleeping all night, but not anymore. It is just a mothers instinct...ever heard of "fatherly instinct"....me either! Well some dads may claim that they have it...but its generally after MOM has put the idea in their head.....you know the selective listening...they do absorb some of what we say over and over again!

 Now after 7years of marriage I ASK for help. Instead of getting all pissed off and expecting my husband to READ MY MIND, I wake him up and say " Hey I need your help". Communication.....it never stops! expectations...you have to have REAL ones!

there has been only one time when Marissa was very very sick that he stayed awake too.....he was worried. When marissa had a parasite infection and had bloody vomit and stools....he really did worry. During this particular illness I was in NURSE mode, calm cool collective and marco was the worried wort.  In real times of stress, I turn inward to focus and go over and over the options and outcomes in my mind. Thinking through what could happen, what to look for and how to prevent any other issues. Some would call this "flight or fright" but I call it SURVIVAL.
Survival mode also know as "resourceful chelsea" is one of my better qualities/gifts!

Although I felt quite crappy myself, my mom role continued. The fact is once a MOM always a MOM!

Whether or not you adopted/ fostered  or gave birth to a child, the day you became the "mom" is the day your life changed. You are now NOT the only priority...I mean you ARE a priority but you get pushed down on the list. I do believe in the saying "if momma ain't happy, nobody is happy", but i interpret it differently. I make it a point to do things for myself, but not at the sacrifice of my children's overall well being. I am the first to say that as moms we have to take of ourselves, but since we are moms we have to adapt. We did choose to become moms ( yes even if you were SURPRISED by your pregnancy you DID participate in the activities that lead to getting pregnant) ;)

For example I am a runner, and before I had children i ran whenever I wanted to, now I have to schedule it...so I run in the early morning or at a time one child is at school and I can push the other in a stroller.

I want to leave you with this quote...it is my own!

As moms we are the role model, be a healthy one, mind body and spirit!

MANIC MONDAY

Well today I am feeling quite YUCKY! I am in on of my "moods'. So I am anxious, worried, a little depressed and a little angry. Hey you know we all have days like this whether or not we are on medications the moods do come and go. I am also fighting some kind of viral thing.....so I had to call into work. ARGH my sanity...my get-a-way...my grown up time...won't be happening tonight. Sometimes we all need a MENTAL break and on top of the fever I am running, my "moods" I should probably NOT be taking care of others. Yes my sista agrees...THANKs La Weasil for the constant support!!! She is always the first I call when I am having my "moods". Since we went through all the 'childhood shit' together she understands and doesnt judge. I have some great great BFF's but this is just one of those "if you havent walk in my shoes" you just dont quite understand situations.

So what I want to say today is "stop pretending"! Everybody has drama in their lives, Nobodies relationship with their significant other is absolutely "storybook" perfect! If you are waking up everyday wondering what you can do to make them smile, keep them in a "good" mood, "help them", fix them...then you need a HUGE reality check.
I am going to INSERT one of my RANTS....read on.....

Chelsea's take on love....Thursday, June 10, 2010 at 11:08pm

If your reading this....you are curious....thats ok...read on..but know this is my opinion ( me have an opinion...hahahhah) and also know i have been through ALOT in my 34 years...and those who know me...really know this....and well they also really "get me" understand me and still call me in times of need and crisis....



Love is being able to GET ANGRY, really angry with your love and then tell them about it...or yell it at them. Love is being able to step back and say I was wrong....but we need to talk. It is being able to accept the things you can not change, and focus on the BIG things that brought you together!



NOBODY is perfect. NO relationship is perfect. and pretending to BE PERFECT is just a sign that things are NOT prefect and that your relationship just may be trouble.



LOVE is compromise. agreeing to disagree. It is GIVE and TAKE. You TAKE a little...you got to give more back.

Love is NOT giving giving...compromising all the time....making others constantly happy, it is not "keeping the peace". If you are doing this.....you will be EXHAUSTED and DRAINED and you will become disengaged from your love....you will start to resent them.



Love is NOT picking up the pieces...all the time. Let them fall where they may...because afterall you cant FIX everything.

If you cant look at your LOVE and say " I am so angry I could spit"; ""screw you" or better yet "F*&$ you I am pissed off"., If you cant look at your love and break down into tears or you cant tell them I need help, or your cant ask them for help....then you can not be REAL with them. It is those REAL moments that grow your relationships...that defines your relationship...matures it.



So STOP reading into movies and books that portray "perfect relationships". I love a good love story...but can they be more real to life.....REAL life.



Dont be afraid to let your kids know that you are angry with your love or that you had a fight...are having a fight...why...because if they see real conflict and see real conflict "worked through" then they will take that with them into their lives and they will be able to work through many different types of conflict as they grow.



If you dont TRUST your love...maybe you should really really look hard at yourself....why do you NOT trust this person that you chose to spend your life with.....(there are some reasons that are obvious-but if that never happened then THINK about why).



YOU ARE TWO PEOPLE WHO CAME TOGETHER TO SHARE A LIFE...that shit about "two people becoming one" CRAZINESS. If you find that you LOST yourself before or during your LOVE then maybe you shouldnt be with them...because you should always be you.....a seperate unique different person than your love....your are not ONE.



People have a HARD time "changing"...I am not going to say that people cant nOT change...but dont think you can change someone....because they have to WANT the change in them.



LASTLY......if you do NOT love yourself....completely...you can NEVER Love another...nor can anyone truly love you. So figure your shit out before.....



So thats my take on love...i could go on forever...but I need to shower and go to bed.



THANKFUL and Blessed to have Marco Antonio Vargas Castillo in my life.....he is a great beautiful soul...Te Amo Mucho Mi Amore!



some quotes to ponder





"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”



“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”



“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”



“Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about.”

A Letter to My ESPOSO

AHHH so did you think this was going to be a KIND, passionate entry about the LETTER I wrote to my husband....well its NOT. Today the letter I wrote was entitled " The things I worry about daily"! It was a list of the things I think/worry about while I am trying to go to sleep at night, when I wake up, while I am drinking my coffee, whenever I have a quiet moment. Some of the things were more of a TO DO list, for example: cleaning, and laundry. MOST of the items were the list of never ending BILLS we have to pay, and how I have to juggle what should get paid this month, and how much we have for groceries.
******OH did I not tell you we are a family who lives paycheck to paycheck. Yep we dont have a savings account...we did but it laid empty for 6mths and our bank closed it for us. So since we make less a month then what we owe, we juggle or I should say I juggle what bills get paid.  Did you know you can actually postpone paying your water bill for about 3 months before it gets a disconnect notice, and if you juggle your cell phone bill just right you can pay about once every 45days without getting disconnected. FUN games I participate in but don't really enjoy playing!!!!*******
 The other part of the list was the typical mom things: feeding kiddos, bathing kiddos, playing/entertaining kiddos. the others were the things we do as moms but dont really talk about : worrying about our children and our husbands getting sick, hurt, or worse...dying, worrying about the lessons we are teaching are children daily with our ACTIONS and WORDS, good and bad ones. Worrying about whether or not our children will "have friends" and "fit in". worrying about if our children will know when to stand up for themselves, and for others!
******maybe this was on my list because a new school year is around the corner...hmmm!******

 So this list was several pages long. I was tired of verbal communication with mi esposo. hell we have been married 7years and together 10 years. Communication is KEY, but sometimes you get tired and try inventive ways to 'let them know" how you feel and whats going on. Let me see...in 10 years I have yelled, screamed, picked many fights, threw a shoe, towel, I have used " can we talk", "we need to talk",  " I am angry", "what the f#$% were you thinking when...", "no you didnt...". I have written messages on the mirror good and bad but this was the FIRST letter of this kind.

So did it work.....I would say YES it did! I gave it to him upon his arrival home from work along with this tag line "hey TAG your it", and I went to take a nap. I awoke later to a CLEAN quiet house, dishes done! I went outside to my sunshine with a cold glass of ICE TEA and sat for about another hour...quietly. When i went inside I showered, and called my sister. After an affirming convo with La Weasil, my husband peeked around the corner to tell me that pizza was on its way. He then waited for a response and proceded to our room. He entered quietly, sat down on the bed and said " I LOVE YOU baby cakes" and hugged me. He proceded to tell me positive thoughts about how we will come out of this soon, and money will get better. he said " you are following your dream to be a RN and thats good for you and us...we have to sacrifice right now but it will all be worth it soon...we are learning alot from this...we have been through worse....and I love you and appreciate you for every thing you do.....when you need a break from things just tell me...."  !!!! Te amo mucho mi amore Marco! All my friends call me the MOTIVATOR, for those of you who were wondering who motivates me when I am down...its mi esposo, mi amore Marco! Its his follow through, committment to us and our family, and his "no worry attitude" that keeps me sane!

So the letter thing, well......it worked! It helped to write all that stuff down too, therapuetic like!